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E-grāmata: How to Fight Presidents

4.11/5 (4839 ratings by Goodreads)
  • Formāts: EPUB+DRM
  • Izdošanas datums: 18-Mar-2014
  • Izdevniecība: Random House USA Inc
  • Valoda: eng
  • ISBN-13: 9780385347587
  • Formāts - EPUB+DRM
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  • Formāts: EPUB+DRM
  • Izdošanas datums: 18-Mar-2014
  • Izdevniecība: Random House USA Inc
  • Valoda: eng
  • ISBN-13: 9780385347587

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"Make no mistake: Our founding fathers were more bandanas-and-muscles than powdered-wigs-and-tea. As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive. He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battle over the sound of silence. And now these men--these hallowed leaders of the free world--want to kick your ass. Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxingfight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You're welcome"--

Based on in-depth research and accompanied by informative illustrations, this hilarious history book collects the most wildest, manliest, interesting and badass facts about every U.S. president. Original. 25,000 first printing.

Presents a humorous look at the United States presidents, detailing their exploits in machismo and outlining the strategies by which one would win against each president in a fight.

Make no mistake: Our founding fathers were more bandanas-and-muscles than powdered-wigs-and-tea.

As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive.He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he didafter he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battleover the sound of silence.

And now these men—these hallowed leaders of the free world—want to kick your ass.

Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing fight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You’re welcome.
Introduction: You'd Have to Be Crazy to Want This Job 1(6)
Cannot Tell a Lie: You're in for a World of Pain
7(6)
George Washington
The Cerebral Assassin
13(6)
John Adams
Just Invented Six Different Devices That Can Kill You
19(6)
Thomas Jefferson
Will Go Medieval on Anything Below Your Bellybutton
25(6)
James Madison
Would Like to Welcome You to the Era of Nightmarish Pain
31(6)
James Monroe
Is the Ugliest President Ever to Beat You to Death
37(6)
John Quincy Adams
Is a War Hero Who Will "Old Kickory" Your Ass
43(6)
Andrew Jackson
Is Ready to Fox You Up
49(6)
Martin Van Buren
Is Going to Kick Your Ass So Hard He---Oh, Shit, He's Already Dead
55(6)
William Henry Harrison
Wants to "Accidentally" Put His Foot Up Your Ass
61(6)
John Tyler
Is Ready to Polk Your Eyes Out
67(6)
James K. Polk
Is Ready to Play Rough
73(6)
Zachary Taylor
One of Our Most Millard Fillmore-esque Presidents
79(6)
Millard Fillmore
Is the Franklin Pierce of Fighting, Which Is to Say. He Is a Bad Fighter
85(6)
Franklin Pierce
Whole Strategy Revolves Around Waiting for You to Split in Two and Fight Yourself
91(6)
James Buchanan
Is Like a Slave-Freeing Mr. Fantastic in a Sweet Beard
97(6)
Abraham Lincoln
President Underdog
103(8)
Andrew Johnson
Is the Drunken, Angry John McClane of Presidents
111(6)
Ulysses S. Grant
Is Bad at Losing
117(6)
Rutherford B. Hayes
Is Ambi-kick-your-ass-strous
123(6)
James Garfield
Interlude: Assembling Your Presidential A-Team
129(6)
President Supervillain
135(8)
Chester A. Arthur
Is a Sneaky Brick Wall of Pain
143(6)
Grover Cleveland
The Human Iceberg
149(6)
Benjamin Harrison
Is Big, Mad, and Hungry as Hell
155(6)
William McKinley
Will Speak Softly and Beat the Shit Out of You
161(6)
Teddy Roosevelt
Will Devour the Competition, And 27 Other Fat Jokes
167(6)
William Taft
Will Claim to "Keep You Out of Pain" and Then Totally Put You in Pain
173(6)
Woodrow Wilson
Is Desperate to Prove He's Good at Something
179(6)
Warren G. Harding
The Silent Killer
185(6)
Calvin Eoolidge
Is the Rambo of Presidents
191(6)
Herbert Hoover
Rolling Thunder
197(6)
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
If You Can't Take Harry Truman's Heat, Stop Getting Punched by Him
203(6)
Only Knows How to Fight and Be President
209(6)
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Will Knock Your Ass Back, and to the Left
215(6)
John F. Kennedy
The Puppet Master
221(6)
Lyndon Johnson
The Sweatiest Thing to Punch Another Thing Since George Foreman Boxed a Grizzly Bear in a Sauna
227(6)
Richard Nixon
Can't Fight You Until He Finishes His Battle with Gravity
233(6)
Gerald Ford
Is Like a John Wayne and Wolverine Hybrid
239(6)
Ronald Reagan
Zombie Theodore Roosevelt
245(4)
Bonus
Chapter
Conclusion 249(2)
Acknowledgments 251